Longing for God

Sometimes I look at this new blog post and wonder, "why am I doing this? Why would anyone read something that I have written?" There are times when I am so overwhelmed by my human, fallen condition. I CANNOT do good. As some of you may know, I am reading in Psalm 119. There are many times I read the cries of the psalmist and think, "I am not there right now, but I SO DESIRE TO BE!" "I open my mouth and pant, because I long for your commandments." "My zeal consumes me, because my foes forget your words." "My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise." Wow. I feel undone. Small. Pathetic. Babyish. My desires and prayers are often so small. I don't long deeply enough. But I want to, you know? There is a part of my soul, the inner Sophie, that is crying out to KNOW GOD! "To be found in Him," to find my rest in Him alone. And that is where He wants me to be. I cannot even make myself want Him more. It is only by His Spirit's work in my heart and through humbling myself before God and by listening to His voice through Scripture that He draws me to Himself. It is not as if He is keeping me at arm's length. It is my own sin that keeps me back from a closer relationship with my God. And how He wants to break down that barrier! "I call to you; save me, that I may observe your testimonies." "Your testimonies are righteous forever; GIVE ME UNDERSTANDING, THAT I MAY LIVE." "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5 Lord, You are worthy of much more adoration and love than my sinful soul can muster. Fill me with Your Spirit that I may live and exalt Your name. I long to know You more fully and more deeply. Crush the sin that is so prevalent in my heart and rid me of the fleshly desires that stand between my soul and Your heart. Humble me, tear me apart, that You may put me together again in such a way that You Alone are Lord of my life and King of my heart. You are the Way, the Truth and the Life. "Give me life according to Your words."


Ems said...

When I read this, I think, "Wow, I'm SO glad that there's someone else who feels this way right now!" Last night during church when He was speaking, I had one thing ringing through my head. Discouragement isn't a fruit of the Spirit, Emily!" I've been discouraged recently, but only because of my own sin. As you've said, I desire to be godly; to be like Christ! But I get discouraged looking at myself, and realizing I CAN'T do it! Thanks for this post, and I'll keep praying for you! You're love for Christ now is radiant and beautiful, and I am often blessed and challenged by it! Keep it up!

Ems said...

Okay, sorry! I know I'm commenting twice, but this verse came to mind and I had to write it! It's one you've told me many times!
"DO NOT GROW WEARY IN DOING GOOD, for in due season YOU WILL REAP if you do not lose heart!" Gal. 6:9

Do not grow weary in doing good, my wonderful friend! Love you!

LoVizzle said...

You may think you don't long like the psalmists did, but this post rings with the cry of a desperate child of God, crying out to the Creator for a deeper relationship. I've been struggling with this exact area recently, because I can screw things up so fast, though I know much better. Sometimes, I let my reputation mold my perception of sin, as in, "I'm a youth leader, and I work for God a ton at church, and set the standard for Christians my age, so I shouldn't lust, or lie, or ignore a friend, or act like a jerk or bully." But in the end, I do. Throughout the day, I feel like I do so many things wrong. Yet my entire problem lies within this fact: I focus on my sin much more than I focus on God's forgiveness. If this changes, if only I could think of God all the time, everything changes. Yet this takes time.

Sophie said...

Thanks for the encouragement! It's encouraging to know that there are others who are seeking God despite themselves!
May we continue to learn and grow and love Him and want Him more every day.